On the Path

A little while ago I was overjoyed to learn I was pregnant with our second child.  My husband and I were so joyful, so exuberant that we would not only be graced with another baby, but have the opportunity to grow our family and give G a sibling.  Being pregnant and knowing what’s coming is like swallowing the moon… what absolute love and warmth it brings to your heart.

We had 4 wonderful months with our Hope.  Without ever meeting her, she was able to bring our family such a season of rejoicing and treasure.  We were abundant in happiness, and it was all because of Hope.  A day shy of 17 weeks pregnant I learned I had miscarried, and delivered Hope at the hospital.  As a mother I can never describe the loss of my child other than it simply broke my heart.

I have been a “tide” of a believer when it comes to Jesus Christ.  I ebb and flow, come in and out in my relationship with Him, changing from being near and far from Him.  That night we lost Hope I didn’t just feel Jesus there, with me, but saw him scoop up this baby girl of our world and take her with Him to Heaven.  It wasn’t a dream or a flight of fancy.  The image remains clear to this day- Him taking Hope from this fallen world and carrying her to eternity.  Since that moment, my tide has come in.

Its been some time since Hope passed away.  Every day that goes by I think of her, what she’s doing, if she’s watching me and our family.  I wonder about how to start to assemble the pieces of our lives that reflected her, the time we spent anticipating her, and so on.  My husband and I wonder how to stay on the “path” with this sort of grief.

The other day my daughter and I went on a walk.  It was on a trail that my mom had brought her on before, and I am sure my mom must have called it the “path” instead of trail.  G kept asking me, while walking along, “Mama, are we on the path?”  I would answer yes a few times, but every so often she would turn to ask my this same question.  Finally I took her hands and looked into her face.  “Yes, G, we’re on the path.  We try every day to stay on the path.”  She nodded and stopped asking me… and I thought about it.

Every day, every hour, every minute my family and I are trying to stay on the theoretical path Jesus provides for us.  And the path has grief, has pain, has loss on it.  But it also has my daughter G on it, and my husband.  It has twists and turns, ups and down, but nevertheless leads us to Him.  At the end of this path I’m walking now I hope to finally meet my Hope.  And the journey to that end is worth every step.